Dear Sir Stan,
I have followed your articles with very keen interest, I have learnt more from you than I have learnt in my 16 years of marriage. I have a burning issues in my marriage, my husband and I have stopped having sex, we are not quarrelling but I feel we are growing apart. He doesn’t make moves to sleep with me, and I have also let him be. I don’t want to be too forward by pestering him for sex. I don’t believe he is cheating on me, I think he has just made peace with the fact that I don’t demand for or make moves for sex because I believe it is a man’s responsibility to do so. I have suddenly become worried because I feel he no longer sees me as a woman. What do you think I can do to make things right. Thank you for what you do, God bless you” Dr Ann
Sex is a two way thing, I don’t believe any gender is saddled with the responsibility of initiating sex. Your story shows that both of you are culpable. Just like your husband, you are also averse to sex. You may not have realised that it is your inability to seduce him that has made him uninterested in sex. What many women have failed to realise in their flawed analysis of a man’s sexuality is that seduction is what a man needs to be in the mood for sex. A woman needs to keep herself in a way that the man is attracted to her. Proper personal grooming , sexy bedtime clothing and a relaxed and happy environment is usually all it takes to get him in the mood especially after 40.
As a man grows older his libido naturally begins to decrease, this is as a result of low levels of testosterone. At this stage he needs both mental and visual help to even think of sex. The rampant cases of infidelity among married men is more of an ego thing than sexual satisfaction. More than a woman, he needs validation of his virility and strength, he gets off on being praised as a stallion even when his performance is less than average, this fake praise by girls who obviously want more than his weak performance gets him going back for more. This is the role a wife must play to keep him in check.
A happy and relaxed atmosphere, free from quarrels and fights is also another booster. There is nothing that turns a man off like an overtly argumentative and confrontational partner, it is a total mood killer and will make him see you as a fellow man rather than a delicate flower waiting to be plucked. Sex is an important part of marriage, both partners must make a concerted effort to indulge. When a woman appears uninterested in sex or doesn’t show him that she wants it, a man may also recoil and let her be, what does it for him in the midst of the many struggles out there is that she wants him and is willing to make moves to get hers.
Not having sex does not necessarily mean an end to a relationship, it is sign that all may not be well. However, you can still enjoy a perfectly normal platonic relationship, the only danger is that the emotional bonding acquired through passionate sex may be difficult or impossible to attain. Lack of it also breeds suspicion by both parties, each at the back of their mind may suspect that the other is getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere. It is a lot easier for a woman to stay away from sex for long periods of time, for a man it is a different story. With the many temptations out there, sexual satisfaction at home is one of the most potent antidotes for infidelity for both parties, it is however worse for the man.
Lack of sex especially if both parties are comfortable with it is the first sign that the relationship may have run into problems, in most cases it points to the fact that the couple has grown apart, as this lingers, the rift becomes wider and at some stage a very minor issue will trigger a catastrophic total breakdown of the relationship. It is not a thing of pride or competition to see who makes the first move, you can make the move to save your marriage by ensuring that you keep your husband sexually occupied. The longer this lingers, the more you expose him to temptation, this goes both ways, a woman who is not sexually satisfied is also easily tempted.
In order for him to make a move, or demand sex, you have to create the enabling environment for that to happen, give him something to look at, get him relaxed and happy, he will make the move. You can also initiate it from start to finish, there is nothing more arousing for a man than a strong, confident and bold woman – Sir Stanley Ekezie