Confronting your spouse’s cheating partner

When a spouse or partner cheats, the feeling of betrayal is usually overwhelming and can turn a normally very calm person into a raging beast. All sense of reason and objectivity can vanish in the twinkle of an eye making the cheated spouse do unthinkable things that they will normally not do. If you find yourself in this situation, the sensible thing to do is to remain calm until you have gotten all the facts. You must be sure that you are reacting based on verifiable facts and not hearsay or conjectured permutations.

You must be mindful of the fact that the tables can easily turn on you if your spouse or partner is able to prove their innocence. You may be forced to eat your vociferous verbal venom, trust me, this is a very bitter pill to swallow. It is also not advisable to cry wolf unnecessarily, the day there will actually be something, no one will take you seriously. When you have confirmed all the facts, the person to confront is your spouse and not the cheating partner.

You must understand how cheating works, except in cases of rape, it is a consensual arrangement between two adults. It involves a period of secret courtship which constitutes cheating on its own. Your spouse must have had ample time to ponder their action and many opportunities to change their minds. If after considering the risk of being caught and hurting you in the process they still go ahead to cheat, they alone must be held liable for their actions. Their cheating partner is just a vehicle through which they arrived at that point. If that vehicle is not available they will find another empty and available one and board to the point of cheating.

You have an agreement of fidelity with you spouse or partner and not the third party who in some cases does not even know you. It is your partner who has reneged on that agreement and should face the consequences alone. Confronting the cheating partner is usually a very catastrophic action which puts you in harms way and yields no tangible results, you may be verbally or physically assaulted making you a scapegoat rather than a victim of cheating. It exposes you to ridicule and sometimes puts you on the same level with the person who has cheated with your spouse.

It is also wise to do a little self introspection to determine if you have done anything to push your spouse over the edge or are guilty of the same offence, sometimes people know things you are not aware they know. Your actions even when done in private is sometimes visible to your spouse and may encourage them to retaliate in like manner. If you are in anyway complicit in their weakness to resist the temptation to cheat, the burden of conscience is on you to accept an apology and move to remedy those things which may have prompted them to cheat. Those who come to equity must come with clean hands and when you point a finger at someone, the other four points back at you – Sir Stanley Ekezie

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