A COERCED AND UNMERITED APOLOGY. A TICKING TIME BOMB

I have heard numerous definitions of women as incubators, multipliers, savings accounts and so on. They all point to the fact that a woman is a multiplier, what you sow in her, good or bad is what you reap ten fold. It is usually the norm for most women to be the engine room of a marriage, they endure, ignore and tolerate the excesses of their husbands. As a result of the societal norms in place today and the ill conceived stigma against divorcees, women out of fear of being kicked out of their matrimonial home go to great lengths to pacify their husbands even when they are not at fault.

Women are forced and blackmailed into apologising regardless of who is at fault. Most of us have at some point in our marriages made this mistake and probably still doing it. We have gotten our kicks from turning the table on our wives when our indiscretions are discovered. For instance, a woman sees inappropriate text messages on her husband’s phone, rather than apologise or explain, we begin to question her right to access our phones without permission, she eventually ends up having to apologise for our mistakes for the sake of keeping her home intact. This is just one example among many.

Being able to get away with situations like this has made most of our men selfish and egocentric. The false sense of entitlement and the arrogance exhibited by some of us is alarming, we carry on as if remaining married is more important to the woman than it is to us. Some of us believe that apologising to our wives makes us appear weak, even when we are clearly at fault. We keep malice for longer than necessary, stay out late, and even refuse to eat meals prepared by her as long as the situation lasts.

The pressure of this emotional blackmail and the fear of a broken marriage subdues the woman into apologising for issues which are clearly not her fault. She is sometimes subjected to a situation where she has to kneel, cry and beg for forgiveness not for her sins but for ours, we gloat and feel like we have conquered her. If you put yourself in her shoes you may begin to understand the humiliation and agony the woman feels each time this happens, it is worse that this agony is caused by the same person who is supposed to protect and love her. It is a grievous mistake to constantly bully and blackmail a woman into apologising for something which you and her know is your fault. Her self esteem and sense of self worth takes a major hit in the process and she ends up being angry, bitter and vengeful.

As this goes on, she begins to see you as an oppressor who feels no love towards her, the loyalty she has for you will begin to wane as she struggles to rebuild her battered self esteem. Reducing a woman’s self worth in this manner may seem like the best way to put her in check or force her to submission, on the contrary, it breeds a deep rooted sense of resentment for her husband. Women exposed to this situation are ticking bombs waiting to explode. She may still serve you, sleep with you. call you pet names but still silently hate your guts for constantly humiliating her. Do not let her salient arrogant humility, obedience and obvious efforts to keep the marriage going fool you. As long as this situation continues, she will continue to work towards her independence from you.

It’s is important we acknowledge when we have erred and tender apologies accordingly, it doesn’t take away anything from your manhood, but it soothes the hurt and will give your wife the confidence and sense of belonging she requires to thrive as a woman. It will also reassure her that you respect her feelings enough to accept and apologise to her when you are wrong. Not doing this may not necessarily end the marriage, but you would have succeeded in creating an enemy within. This is a situation no man wants to be in, the danger is that in times of need when she is expected to stand by you, she may decide to bare her fangs and leave you hanging because into her, you have sown hate and resentment and you will reap it ten fold – Sir Stanley Ekezie