Many people are unhappy in marriage because they believe they have not been blessed with a perfect partner. They yearn for what others have, people who they assume have found the perfect partners. Using other people’s standards to evaluate your relationship will make you unhappier. Each relationship/marriage is different, the characters involved are also different so every union has very distinct differences which is consequent upon the characters, their environment and their situation.
Marriage is not about perfection or finding the best partner. It is about making the best out of who you have chosen to live with. It is impossible to find everything you want in one person. I have been married for 20 years, believe me when I say that my wife and I have had our share of problems. Some of these issues were so serious that we contemplated separation at some point, but considering the bigger picture we resolved to give each other a chance and work on ourselves to accommodate each other. What we have now is magical, flavoured with understanding, mutual respect, love and most importantly, a forgiving spirit.
We have survived this far, not because we are perfect or we haven’t hurt each other one way or another, we are just determined to overlook each other’s imperfections and be happy regardless. You are not perfect so demanding perfection from your spouse is myopic and an effort in futility. Realising that you have flaws which your spouse is trying to live with is important. Your spouse maybe tolerating more than you know, they may not be complaining like you, not necessarily because they don’t have things about your personality or character to complain about, they may just be more patient and understanding than you. Remember that when you point a finger at someone the other four point back at you. Self introspection is a very powerful ingredient in relationships.
When you see a couple living together in what you perceive as peace and harmony, bear in mind that a lot of hard work and personal sacrifices may have gone into that relationships, like gold, the union may have endured extreme heat to arrive at its current level of purity. Most relationships take time to settle, it’s usually very challenging initially because of the totally different characters and backgrounds involved. It takes some time to understand each other regardless of how long you dated. In marriage, people are sometimes completely different from what they were during courtship. Sometimes it takes putting a ring on that finder to truly discover the real character of your partner. All you need in most cases is to adjust a little to meet your spouse halfway, attempting to forcefully change someone usually meets with stiff resistance which may derail the marriage.
The pace at which harmony is achieved differ from couple to couple, while some are ready from the beginning to study and learn each other for better cooperation, others either out of ignorance or stubbornness may take a while to settle. All things being equal synergy will eventually be achieved. So make your own sacrifices not minding if your partner is doing same. Do your bit and be patient, if it hasn’t happened now, it will happen eventually. If unfortunately synergy doesn’t come to your relationship, you will be much happier knowing you did your best – Sir Stanley Ekezie