Weaponising sex and affection

Some people use sexual deprivation and lack of affection as a weapon to intimidate, punish, control or hurt their spouse. A person may recoil into his/her shell when they have been hurt or when they want to show their dissatisfaction with something their partner has done. This attitude of withdrawal may sometimes be an unconscious action beyond the control of the person and occasioned by a deep feeling of hurt and disappointment, it may also be a way to purposely punish a spouse who has done something wrong or as a mind control technique.

While this may be very effective initially as a punitive measure, it may begin to loose its efficacy as the mind gets accustomed to the state of lack or absence of sex or affection. The human mind is a master design, it has no limits and its capabilities are infinite, it controls all faucets of human life. It’s most amazing feature is adaptation. It can adapt to any situation and get the body to accept it as normal, herein lies the danger of using deprivation of sex and affection as a mind control technique or punitive measure.

When you abuse denial of sex and affection for whatever reason, your spouse after sometime gets accustomed to the situation, his/her body shuts down its ability to respond to sexual stimuli and affection. What you have created in the process is a frigid cold hearted partner who will react very violently for the flimsiest reasons. So while it is perfectly normal to use sex deprivation as a means of acquisition, punishment or manipulation, it’s also Important to understand that the abuse of the process will become counterproductive if it is abused. Sex and affection should be used for strengthening the bond between a couple and nothing else.

Another danger of using sex deprivation as a weapon is the minds ability to use alternatives. A spouse becomes prone to temptation when they are constantly denied affection or sex, this is particularly true for affection. An average human being, especially women thrives on affection. It is the oil that constantly lubricates the engine of a relationship, without it the engine gets cranky and may eventually become stiff and unable to function. What I am trying to say in essence is that when you deprive your spouse sex and affection, you have taken away their ability to resist temptation and may have given them a reason to cheat. If they are sexually very active, they won’t magically change, the only thing that changes is their sex partner.

The best way to show your displeasure about anything in marriage remains dialogue. No matter what it is or how you have been wronged, for your sake, your spouse and in some cases the children, draw your spouse’s attention to it, sit down like two civilised adults and talk about it. Bearing a grudge over a long period of time destroys you as a person and also destroys your home. You may think the offender knows what they have done, sometimes we hurt people ignorantly, so if you don’t talk about it, your spouse may be ignorant of the hurt you are carrying and you will end up suffering alone. That apology that will come after two or three months of rancour, murmuring and arguments can be received now if you tell your spouse how they have offended you. – Sir Stanley Ekezie


  1. ” That apology that will come after two or three months of rancour, murmuring and arguments can be received now if you tell your spouse how they have offended you.”

    Or that apology may never be received regardless of when or how you tell them…because they refuse to apologize. In 21 years of marriage, my ex-wife almost never apologized for anything. In fact, one time she instead asked “Aren’t I allowed to make a mistake?” I sometimes wonder how our marriage lasted as long as it did.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sir,I am presently going through the same scenario you just painted. I am currently having severe frictions with my spouse and its affecting my emotional balance in relative to my job,and psyche.Whenever I try explaining something to her concerning, say a particular issue, she sees it like I am trying to deprive of her right or that I am simply complaining;and it pains me that she reads an awkward meaning to my explanation. The next thing she says just puts me off, because it does not in anyway related to the issue at hand.Most especially,whenever we have issues,she turns it on me and tires me to series of cheatings and infidelity that never happens,but based on assumptions.My mere speaking on phone can trigger am outburst from her..my mere missing a call can trigger an assumption of being s cheat and refusing to pick my calls because one of my numerous girlfriends are calling.. And sincerely speaking it hurts me that every move I make she sees me as a serial cheat,womanizer, etc.. I have sat her down to tell her about her bad attitude of suspicious but she brushes it like a joke. So I don’t bother anymore about her suspicious. I presently stay away from her,because I cannot share a bed with someone that doesn’t trust me but always sees me as a serial cheat and womanizer. And I like it this way..its over 3 weeks I have been sleeping all alone in the visitor’s room.


    1. Hi Ib, I understand how you feel, it can be very depressing especially if you innocent of her suspicions. However, you have to look inwards and check if there is anyway you are making her insecure. She may also know something or may have heard something she is not telling you because of how she found out or her source. She may also act this way because if a previous cheating suspicion even if you have explained.

      If a woman snoops and sees something or someone close to you tells her something, she may react exactly how you have described her. I suggest you calm down and try to reassure her. Ask her to tell you if there is any reason she is acting the way she does, encourage her to speak up for the sake of your marriage and assure her that things may not be as they seem.

      You have to be very patient with her, every random act of romance and love reassures a woman and makes her forget past hurt. Being the head of the household means you have to sacrifice for the marriage more than your spouse. To him whom much is given much is expected. I wish you all the best in your marriage.


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