Choose to be happy 

Good afternoon sir, I need help, I have tried everything possible to get myself to forgive my husband and enjoy my marriage again. He hurt me sir, he cheated with people close to me and made it look like I was crazy when I confronted him. At the end of it all, it turned out that I wasn’t crazy, he actually cheated with our son’s teacher, my neighbour and a family friend. I can’t even stand him touching me. I am here just because my family will not support me in a divorce and for my kids. He has asked for forgiveness and I told him I have forgiven him, why do I still feel this way. Pls help me sir, I want to be happy again. You can publish my story but please don’t use my name. 

There is absolutely no reason for anyone to stay in a stale relationship/marriage, it is an easy way to get high blood pressure, depression and all other emotional and physical diseases. Some people hold on to their spouses faults and bad behaviors, conveniently ignoring and playing down areas where they excel. We are all human, we have our faults and our good sides. In order to be happy in your marriage, you must always try to over emphasize your spouse’s good sides, blow it out of proportion to overshadow their bad behaviors, this makes it easier for you to bear their faults and forgive them when they err. If you do not engage in the usual spousal gossips, if you can’t wait to tell them about your day at work, if you cannot talk for more than five minutes without an argument, if your first call in a emergency is not you partner, you have a serious problem, your relationship is very unhealthy and needs fixing. It is ok to make the move towards fixing it, because you cannot hold someone down without being on the ground yourself. You may think you have peace and have built a wall around your emotions to avoid being hurt, what you have built is a prison for yourself and only you can determine how long your sentence within your prison will be. In the course of the marriage/relationship, you will definitely hurt your spouse and be hurt as well, when this happens, you owe it to yourself to forgive and let go, give them another chance, life is hard to face alone, everyone needs someone with whom to share the burden of life.

Some people are in marriages where there is absolutely no relationship, communication between the couple is so stale that sometimes it is impossible for them to have a meaningful conversation except issues concerning the children or running of the house. In this dangerous situation, their is neither regular arguments nor fights, just two people who live like housemates, they struggle to smile and remain civil with each other. This is sad and very dangerous to the health of the couple, this is not living, it is akin to living in bondage, sadly this bondage is self inflicted. I know your spouse probably did unimaginable things to you, they may have driven you to the point where you are now, numb and nonchalant, the irony is that you are suffering for someone else’s mistakes. It’s like going to jail for someone else’s crime or drinking poison and expect someone else to die. Your happiness is yours, it is your right, you must be selfish about it, without it life has no meaning. The greatest revenge against someone who has hurt you is to forgive them, be nice to them and be happy. God in his infinite wisdom laid a lot of emphasis on forgiveness, to drive home its importance, he sacrificed his only son for our own forgiveness. There is a divine reason for this, forgiveness is a gift from God, it heals, it prolongs life, it attracts prosperity, the therapeutic effect of forgiveness on our own well being cannot be over emphasized. 

Endeavor to create a positive atmosphere in your home, engage your spouse in active conversations regularly, put their offenses behind you even if they are ongoing, even a fool gets tired of doing stupid things if you ignore them long enough. As long as you are not the one doing the bad things, do not to allow them determine your happiness. Build your happiness around things that make you happy, and learn to tolerate your spouse no matter what they have done. The truth is, no one is perfect including you, some of you may actually be guilty of the same offense or even worse. You may also have done things you shouldn’t have done to your spouse, you may have hurt then consciously or unconsciously, the fact that you were no caught doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. A little self introspection is required once in a while to help us avoid hypocrisy, remember when you point an accusing finger at someone the other fingers are pointing back at you.

Do not let someone hold the power of happiness or unhappiness over you, choosing to be happy is a choice only you can make. No matter what life has thrown at you, it may be a bad childhood experience, a bad marriage or a betrayal from a friend or loved one, the ability to shake it off and be happy lies not on any pastor or counselor, it is solely yours, the choice to be happy is yours, you can decided to be happy or choose to wallow in self pity and anger which will eventually consume you and everything around you. God gave us a discerning spirit to choose right from wrong, this includes a free spirit to process things that concern us, you can choose the path of forgiveness and happiness today regardless of your past, leave the baggage of your past behind so you can travel lighter into a brighter future. Remember it is only you who can guarantee your happiness and being happy starts with the choice to be happy, then work towards it by releasing all who have offended you, leaving the hurt and bitterness in the past where they belong – Sir Stanley Ekezie 

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13 comments

  1. Women worry themselves over nothing. He’s still your man. Question is, are you still his woman? I bet you, he loves you more than you do love him. Move on. That he touched another woman does not remove anything. Use meter and guage on the dagging modifier, it is still the same. You’re killing your man slowly as he looks at your face and read accusations,and your judgement on him. When you caught your man pretend as nothing happened. He will advise himself better. And will not try it again. Not where you will caught if at all. And he will respect you for that.

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  2. Sometimes I wonder how women can give others these sorts of advice. Its just incredible and mind boggling! So cheating is normal and should just be accepted? Instead of counselling on how they can seek to rebuild their relationship and for the man to turn from his ways, you are advocating turn a blind eye because size of his instrument has not changed? What happens when he comes back one day and gives her aids or some incurable disease? Whats then? People always tend to offer foolish advice when its not happening to them!

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  3. God owes us to forgive others that we shall be forgiven,if the man had actually asked for forgiveness my sister forgive him and start on fresh page,you owe your joy to yourself,my sister ask for Gods grace for which to do it,the Holy Spirit can help you do all things if you ask him.Release yourself pls by forgiving him and God will heal you and heal your family.God almighty will help you and restore back your joy and love.

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  4. Agreed……Sir Stan….. it is surely a two way thing ,forgiving the other person and forgiving and freeing oneself.one person can keep trying while the other person does not make any effort….I mean no matter how he/she is trying to create her/his happiness it will surely be limited……just saying

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  5. Well written as always Stan Ekezie Ksc . Forgiveness frees the offended we know it’s written in the big book.
    When a spouse cheats on his/her partner. (I am talking about husband and wife here cos cheating is both ways) you will forgive but it can never be the same again especially if you are a “serial cheat” (u say u are sorry and go on doing it and apologising) The offended will always be asked to forgive and the big book will be quoted as always. What happens is that the person is numbed emotionally no matter how we look at it. Even when you behave normal you even give of yourself sexually etc it can never be the same. Let’s tell ourselves the truth it will keep playing up.

    I always tell married people “don’t beat yourself up if your partner cheats most times it’s due to no fault of yours” a cheating partner will always find reason to cheat. Have a life! God help us all.

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  6. I do not think your emotions and how you feel is wrong. It’s a natural response to the ugly event. So, it’s completely normal. Now, time will condition things. There’s nothing anyone tells u now that will automatically reignite your feelings… None. Your husband has work to do on this. It’s for him to help you fight this feeling. His sincere apology and positive behaviours will in time help u deal with what u feel. It’s in his place to fix it. If only he can reach out to Uncle Stan. Would really help cos i honestly do not think you can fix this yourself. He needs to help you. The bulk of the work rests on him.

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