Dear Sir Stanley Ekezie, my name is Stephen, a friend of mine introduced me to your blog, I really appreciate what you are doing, you don’t know how many lives you have touched, and marriages you are saving, for me it is a bit late, I wish I was exposed to your unbiased and sincere style of counseling which appeals to both genders, my life may have turned out better. I got married at 29 to a beautiful, intelligent and ambitious 25 year old. My wife is a Lawyer and I am an accountant. As soon as we settled into our new home all hell was let loose. She refused to submit to me, she disobeyed me regularly and didn’t want to be a good wife to me or mother to the children. She wanted more than just baby sit I and the kids like she will always say, her career was unnaturally important to her. She was prepared to trade anything for it. I on the other hand wanted the traditional marriage with the children at the center stage, I wasn’t opposed to her working so I encouraged her initially, but I was opposed to her making the job her god. So naturally I started resisting and refused to support and appreciate her, our home was turned into a permanent war front, infidelity, alcoholism, physical abuse were all normal in our home. Somehow in the midst of our madness we managed to have four kids who came in quick succession, unfortunately they had to live through our stupidity. I am now 62 and my wife is 58, we have both achieved excellence in our careers and gotten very rich too, but we have ruined our children, home, happiness and lives. 

My first daughter is an alcoholic, she has a son and she doesn’t know who the father is, my first son lives in America, he is gay and battling with drug abuse and the third child a boy, was rusticated in June this year from one of the private universities in Nigeria for drugs and cultism. The only reasonable one is my youngest son, he left to live with my sister when he was ten years old. My wife is heartbroken, hypertensive and diabetic, I am recovering from a mild stroke. I want to use your medium to warn couples that there is no need for the fight, submit regardless and love regardless, if just one of us had compromised and endured, our lives would most probably have turned out better. Knowing what I know now I would have loved her regardless and I know she shares my sentiments. Please Sir Stanley continue doing what you are doing, it is only God that can reward you. God bless you, regards, Stephen 

This is so sad and so true, Vanity upon vanity, all is vanity. it is even worse these days, the essence of marriage is being eroded at an alarming rate, the institution has been taken over by male chauvinists and feminists. Even marriage counsellors and pastors have taken sides according to their gender preference. Why will a woman not submit to her husband and why will a man not love his wife? This departure from the norms in marriage has resulted in most homes being turned into battle grounds for supremacy of the gender with the consequential effect of unhappiness, bitterness, separation and divorce. The children unfortunately have become the scapegoats in this unnecessary and foolish struggle. It is impossible to raise responsible kids in such a volatile and competitive home because at some point the warring parents will begin to compete for the children’s love and approval, both parents become cautious while disciplining the children for fear of being the hated parent. This enables the children get away with almost anything, and right under their noses bad habits that should have been nipped in the bud are allowed to grow and consume the child. Unnecessary monetary and material enticement are used by the parents to lure the children to their side, children are smart to pick up on this and begin to take advantage and play the parents against each other while diverting attention from their own bad habits. What chance does a child in such a home have at developing normally. 

It has become increasingly difficult to advise one gender without incurring the wrath or condemnation of the other. A simple article which targets and admonishes one gender is quickly turned into a battle arena of abuses and gender competition, this obviously prevents them from learning the lesson the article intended to teach. While I encourage everyone male or female to have a healthy sense of self worth, it is wise to know when to draw the line and let common sense prevail. It has become so bad that if care is not taken, some people may begin to question the position of the Bible on marriages. I have received messages in which some people have indicated their displeasure on the “extreme” position the Bible takes on issues in marriage. This is as sacrilegious as it is sad. I remember a particular woman who claimed to be a good Christian telling me that the Bible encourages men to be chauvinistic, mean and polygamous, I honestly felt sorry for her, I advised her to say the following prayer before reading her bible again, “open though my eyes o Lord, that I may behold the wondrous things out of thy Law, Amen. Maybe God will open her eyes to the special place He has given women on earth. It only takes a real man and a wise woman to recognize this.

By popular demand I will go through this again. The Bible says in Ephesians 5: 22-24 that a woman must submit to her husband like she will submit to the Lord himself, it says the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church and the woman must submit in all matters as the Church does to the Lord. What God expects from every Christian woman is clear in this passage, there are no buts or ifs, just a straightforward instruction. Sadly some women will prefer to be submissive to their bosses at work and even their pastors instead of their husbands, claiming he is not man enough, he is mean, he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t love me or treat me well etc. If you cannot get yourself to submit to him, do not agree to marry him, say No when he proposes. Next time you pray please ask God to speak to your spirit and direct you to the path of truth. The Bible did not place any condition to the obedience of this rule, it just says submit. So read the passage above anytime you put a condition before submitting to your husband. 

In the same Ephesians 5:24 – 33, the bible instructs men to Love their wives as Christ loves the church being ready to give their lives for her as Christ did for the church. It says men should love their wives as themselves. The instruction for women was delivered in 2 verses and for men in almost 10, a lot more responsibility Is placed on men regarding the success and failure of a marriage. It is not easy to be the head, they say uneasy lies the head that wears the crown and to him whom much is given much is expected. Loving your wife as Christ loves the church means you will never be able to hold anything against her, it means you must look beyond her imperfections and continuously forgive her transgressions, looking unto her like a child, chastising in love, teaching and mounding her in the ways of the Lord. God gives his church everything she asks of him, he is faithful, he protects her and loves her unconditionally. What does God do when the church is disobedient and sins against him? He loves her more deeply and through his anointed pastors he continuously seeks her heart and the eternal preservation of her soul. So next time you place a condition before loving your wife, read the passage above.

Pause for a moment and ask yourself what you stand to gain if you are declared winner of the battle for gender supremacy in your home, if you succeed and emasculate your husband or you successfully turn your wife into a slave, how much is this victory worth? At what’s expense has it been won, how does it make your life better? Are you living according to the will of God for your life? The end they say justifies the means, can you honestly say at the end that the fight, the collateral damage and the victory were all worth it. Women be humble and submit to your husbands and men be fair in leadership and love you wives unconditionally – Sir Stanley Ekezie