Dear Sir Stanley,

I am tired of my marriage, my husband is irresponsible and very autocratic, he stays out late on a daily basis and never listens to anything I say. We have fought and quarrelled about his behaviour but instead of getting better, it is getting worse. He completely ignores me for weeks complaining that I am rude and abusive when he is the one who pushes me to the wall. My 3 teenage kids are seeing his behaviour and I am afraid it is affecting them.

I have a promising career in marketing and make enough to cater for the family while he struggles to rehabilitate his business after he suffered a huge business loss. I think the whole horrible attitude got unbearable after he had issues with his business. Anything I say or do now is seen as insubordination or disrespect. These days he has left me to do what I want, whatever I say or do he doesn’t respond anymore. I am truly tired and on the verge of a nervous break down. I don’t know what else to do. I need your wise counsel – Toun

I sincerely sympathise with you, it is not easy to be in your situation especially with the extra burden of working and taking care of the family. I must however point out that the problem may be your manner of approach. The fact that you are the one providing may have changed your attitude towards your husband without even realising it. Rather than focus on his alleged acts of irresponsibility, you can approach him from the angle of worry and concern for his safety and well being while out late at night. You may touch his conscience to change, two wrongs cannot make a right, so avoid confrontation, this obviously is not working. The situation is making you unhappy, and you are eager to resolve your issues. You should be selfish in your pursuit of happiness, do whatever it takes. I advise you change your strategy and approach.

Eve’s subtle persuasiveness got Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, Delilah got Sampson who couldn’t be overwhelmed by the entire army of the philistines to shave his hair without a struggle, Esther saved the Jews from the evil plot against them, uplifted her Uncle Mordecai and hung Haman the enemy of the Jews, all these were achieved through tact and meekness by women who mastered the gentle persuasive power women are born with. They didn’t fight, they didn’t quarrel or argue yet they got everything they wanted from their men. You have the power to turn things around in your marriage by emulating these powerful women in the bible.

Men are stubborn and egotistic and nature responded by equipping women with an innate meekness. No matter how stubborn a man is, a woman who shows him love, respect and care can get him to do almost anything. Sadly these days wives who are supposed to play this role have continued to fight a senseless war of supremacy at home while other women outside enjoy the best of their husbands. A man naturally gravitates towards where he is respected and treated like royalty, if he cannot get this at home, he will get it somewhere else.

Inside every man are two powerful personalities, a king waiting to reign and a demonic fool who can ruin everything. A woman is blessed with the power to call forth any of these personalities. When respect, meekness and humility are applied, the king within him emerges to protect, provide and care for her as a king will do. When stubbornness and disobedience are applied, the demonic fool in him is unleashed, blinded by ego, this fool can ruin everything including himself without even realising it. It is your choice which of their personalities you chose to call forth.

Since I have not had the privilege of speaking to your husband to hear his own side of the story, I will leave a message for him here just in case he is reading. My brother I understand how difficult it can be when a man cannot provide, I advise you to focus more of trying to rehabilitate your business rather what your wife does. Your wife is not your problem, she is standing in for you and it is natural for her to get irritated sometimes, just ignore this so you are not distracted. Continuing on the part alleged by your wife may lead to the loss of your family, this compounded by your present problem will not be good for you. Limit your time out and and devout more time to your family it will help douse the tension at home and give you the peace of mind required to rebuild your business and ensure that your family remains stable – Sir Stanley Ekezie