Dear Sir Stan KSC, thank you sir for your wealth of knowledge shared with us for free, May God continue to empower you with wisdom. Sir I am devastated as I write, the guy I have been dating for 4 years proposed to me and I accepted. His parents have refused to give their blessing because I am from a broken home. Someone in my village gave them the messy details of my parents bitter divorce when they went to make inquiries. Why am I being punished for my parents’ choices, should I hold my parents responsible for my woes. This is the second time I was made to suffer for their mistakes. How can I proceed without this hanging over my head – Chika
My dear Chika, I am sorry to hear about your failed engagement, it is sad that you are made to suffer because of your family status, such profilings shouldn’t be allowed to fester in our society. Your parent’s divorce is not your fault, in fact you are the victim of the choices they made and shouldn’t be negatively profiled because of it. They may have also taken the decision to go their separate ways as a result of issues you may never understand. Children from broken homes must not be like their parents, many of them have successful marriages. They should therefore be given equal opportunities to prove themselves in marriages and relationships. I encourage you to hang in there, a man who will accept you for who you are and from a more open minded and matured family will come at the right time.
The parents of your fiancé may have become apprehensive because of your background. They have simply let their attempt to protect their son becloud their judgement. The fact that they went too far cannot be overemphasised, but they may also have a valid argument. Their decision may have been predicated on the fact that to a large extent, a child’s environment determines who and what that child becomes in future. Bearing in mind what you have had to go through, I hope you will you do everything possible to ensure your children do not suffer the same faith. Be strong, all will be well…
These days, most parents focus so much on doing the things that serve their own selfish interest without considering the effects and consequences of such behaviours or decisions on their children. Like Chika in the story above, the consequential aftermath of a failed marriage is the negative social profiling the children suffer in the society. If for nothing else, for the sake of the children, couples should ensure that they apply wisdom, patience and tolerance whenever they have issues.
The hierarchical structure of family with the man respected and revered as the head by the entire family unit, especially his wife is divinely designed to teach a child respect for authority. The symbolic love of a man for his wife which should be sincere and visible helps with the development of love and affection for self and others around him/her. Respect shown to each other helps the child develop respect for his peers, superiors, subordinates and self. A child who is denied these important lessons is more likely to go through life groping for stability in relationships and marriages. This may have been the theory upon which the parents of Chika’s fiancé arrive at their brutal decision.
Considerable premium is placed on a child’s upbringing in these parts, Therefore, the child’s first and indelible exposure to lessons on obedience, Intergrity, respect, love and compassion must be learnt from watching how the parents relate with each other. When a parent is visibly irresponsible, the children are most likely to become irresponsible because by their parents’ actions irresponsibility has been validated in their young minds. The traditional fact finding missions before marriage is bound to expose these bad character traits in the parents and may affect the child’s chances of settling with a responsible person. Do not be the reason why your children cannot settle with a spouse of their choice
In some exceptional cases however, especially when the marriage becomes unmanageable, the decision to separate or divorce becomes necessary to save the children from exposure to hate, bitterness and abuse. Children raised in an environment where the parents have turned their matrimonial home into a battlefield are more likely to develop serious emotional problems when compared to children raised in a stable home managed by a single parent. As parents we must ensure we build a stable home for the children together, or make the very difficult choice to separate and let them take their chance against the negative profiling, they are more likely to survive the later – Sir Stanley Ekezie