It is natural in times of marriage or relationship issues for couples to blame each other, Friends and relations, but in their selfish appraisal of the origin, remote and immediate cause of their problems, they conveniently absolve the real culprits, themselves. It is impossible for anyone or anything to cause problems in your relationship if you don’t let them. When a divorce, breakup or separation happens, you are both culpable and complicit. The degree of culpability may vary depending on the issue.

Apart from physical abuse which can cause death no matter how mild, there is no such thing as an unforgivable sin in a relationship or marriage. If you wrong your spouse, you have created and enabling environment for trouble and if you fail to forgive, no matter how grievous the offence is and whether or not they ask for forgiveness, you are an accomplice and cannot be held blameless in what happens from then on. It is never a Sophie’s choice situation, you have choices, one will keep the relationship/marriage intact, the other will destroy it. Ensure the choice you make is in your own best interest.

We must stop using other people’s models to judge our relationships. Marriage or relationship advise are just models to guide you, they are not cast in stone, every individual is different, and so is their relationship. So many people will be willing to forgive their spouse when they sin, but because of the various models, relationships/marriage quotes, inspirational materials, public opinion and peer pressure, they are forced to play to the gallery and end very promising relationships over matters which forgiveness and understanding would have resolved.

The success or failure of a relationship rests solely on the two people who are in it. You are the ones wearing the shoes, you know where it hurts the most. It is possible for one person to want or benefit more from a relationship, if you fall into this category, then do whatever it takes to make it work regardless of the norm or public opinion. If you walk away, the only person you are hurting more is you.

I have realised that most people become vindictive when ending a relationship, even when they are more emotionally invested in it, it is like picking up hot charcoal with bare hands with the intention of throwing it at a person and inflicting injury, in the process of picking up the hot charcoal, aiming and throwing, you are getting burnt, you may miss or hit your target, one thing is certain, you will get burnt longer and more severely.

So think of yourself, your happiness and your welfare before you thrown in the towel. Even when you seek advise, tell the person everything including how you truly feel about your spouse, their advise will be based solely on the information you share, being economical with facts will certainly lead to advise which if followed may end up hurting you. At the end of the day, your conscience is your best adviser, thread carefully and honestly, it is about your happiness, comfort, peace of mind and emotional health – Sir Stanley Ekezie

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