I have been accused of being too pro women by some of my male audience, so many of them have complained about this both publicly and privately. They have erroneously assumed that my posts are against men and are written to glorify women. I want to attempt to correct this impression. As the head of the family, the responsibility to make a marriage work lies more on the man, if it fails you endure the shame and if it succeeds you enjoy the glory.
God knew it was Eve who gave the apple to Adam in the garden of Eden, but it was Adam he asked “What have you done” he expected Adam to rebuke the devil and help Eve do the same. This is the weight of the responsibility which has been placed on all married men, we are expected to ensure that we resist any attempt to break our marriage, even when the culprit is our wife. My articles are therefore designed to be more beneficial to men, it is crafted to teach single and married men, especially men who seek to have an understanding of how women reason, giving them the advantage to use this understanding to ensure they have happy and stable marriages and homes.
I write from a man’s point of view, I write about my experiences and those of men I have come across, I preach compassion, compromise and comprehension in the home. I heard this same message myself when I was struggling in my own marriage, when I doubted my ability to stay happily married, I applied it and it worked like magic. I have a lot of older male friends, some of them have been married for more that 30 years, I ask questions, lots of it and they are kind enough to share their experiences in marriage, and some of the things I learn, I share with those who want to learn.
Despite the difference in their marital experiences, they all agree on one thing, it is better to treat your wife with love, dignity and respect even when you think she doesn’t deserve it. Some of them are reaping the benefits of this, a couple of them regret the love they didn’t share with their wife and kids. I have been around a great man who despite Power and enormous wealth, loves and respects his wife like she owns the grounds he walks on, he is great and powerful outside, and an extremely loving husband and father at home. He doesn’t compromise on family and always tells me that it is the woman who owns everything, a lesson I learnt with great gratitude.
The happiness I have at home today didn’t just happen, it has taken a lot of hard work, enormous compromise, compassion, comprehension and consideration to arrive at this point. Having said that, I wish to add that the things I write, the suggestions I proffer are not cast in stone, they can be adapted to suit our individual needs. However I stand on one thing, I still believe that you cannot force a women to love, respect or submit to you. IT DOES NOT WORK AND IT DOES NOT END WELL. Living with a woman forcefully subdued is like living with your worst enemy, she will be your Waterloo.
I have a very strong personality, in my household I am completely in charge, those who know me personally are aware of this. The power and control I have at home didn’t come through a struggle or quarrel, to be honest I tried to do it by force initially, my wife being also a woman who knows what she wants, smart, educated, quiet but very strong willed respectfully resisted. The control and power I had then made me feel very uneasy because I knew it wasn’t from her heart, as a Christian wife she was just trying to do the right thing. I wasn’t happy because I wanted to possess her mind, body and soul.
Then I spoke to my mentor, The Right Reverend Cyril Okorocha PHD, Bishop of the Anglican diocese of Owerri and my perception of marriage changed. Despite the fact that I was the sole breadwinner, my wife depended on me for everything, it didn’t stop me from applying what I learnt from him, compassion in leadership, tolerance, understanding and most importantly prayer and it changed my life forever. Now I can boldly say that my wife and I are truly on the same page. Mutual respect, tolerance and love is what we have. I am happy and I can say for sure that she is too.
By all standards I am not a perfect husband and have never claimed to be one, my wife is not perfect either, like most couples we disagree on somethings, sometimes the quarrel is so intense that a bystander will think that is the end, but the purity of our affection and friendship enables us to determine who is right or wrong, we correct ourselves and apologise to each other where we should. I am the breadwinner of my family and yet I respect my wife like she provides for me and indeed she does, without the stability and sanity she brings to our home, my provision will mean nothing. I have never used any abusive words on her, we can argue at the top of our voices, especially when I have committed one offence or another, but foul words like ‘idiot’ ‘fool’ ‘stupid’ ‘useless’ ‘prostitute’ etc. have no place in our marriage. All I want to show here is that you don’t have to be perfect to enjoy a peaceful home. All you need is friendship, compassion and tolerance, being the leaders of the household we should show good example and take the lead on compromise, tolerance and understanding.
Finally if you decide to go the old fashion way of being autocratic at home, what will you do with the authority when you finally get it, how much of your bill will that pay, what will you derive from making your wife unhappy, if you decide to love with doubt and suspicion you are the one suffering under the yoke of uneasiness. I suggest you let go, love unconditionally, if you are hurt, heal and love some more. There is nothing as fulfilling as a heart filled with unconditional love. I believe 18 years of marriage gives me some level of knowhow to advise the younger ones, don’t go into marriage seeking to control and subjugate your wife, she may not resist you physically, but she will not be a loving will. It is more beneficial to seek deep friendship, partnership and most importantly walk with God in your marriage and all will be well – Sir Stanley Ekezie