The present, the ex and the unholy alliance 

It is extremely difficult for some people to completely get over a previous relationship or marriage, they get so stuck in the past as if they are under a spell. Their constant reference to that relationship or contact with the ex continues even when it clearly threatens their present relationship. In as much as it is possible to maintain a cordial relationship with someone you dated or was previously married to, this must be done in consideration of your present spouses feelings. They may not complain openly for fear of being tagged as someone with low self esteem, but with their body language and utterances, you should know that you are hurting them. Being indirectly compared to an ex is one of the most humiliating and hurtful things you can do to your spouse, the message you send when you do this is that you regret your present relationship and would have been better off remaining with your ex, even where this is not your intention, this is exactly how it will be perceived. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DEFEND YOUR EX when your spouse makes any unsavoury comments about them, even if the comments are wrong and spiteful. They are not the target, you are, he/she just wants to push your buttons to see where your loyalty lies. it is insensitive and rude to even say anything in their defence. Let your spouse rave and rant as they will. It will help them deal with the jealousy. 

Most men think it is macho to flaunt their ex girlfriend or wife before their current partner, this is sometimes used as a tool to intimidate the present partner into believing they are used to a certain standard. This usually happens in situations where they feel the ex is better or at par with the present. This is a very sad strategy which usually becomes counter productive as your spouse will grow to resent you for it. Women are naturally competitive, so showing your preference for one over another no matter how salient can bring out the monster in any woman. Rather than complain about it, they may resort to other rebellious behaviors like, confrontation, mood swings, nagging and disobedience. Some bolder women may choose to retaliate in like manner and talk about their exes too, this is where it gets tricky, while we feel it’s ok for whatever reason to run through a list of high profile women we have been with, most men cannot handle the fact that their women have been with other men too, some of them way up the social ladder and worth flaunting as well, but the mere mention of an ex by a woman can turn her household into a war zone and earn her unprintable names. Now imagine how you feel when that happens, then multiply it by hundred, that’s exactly how she feels when you try to rub in past relationships. This is simply because a woman is a hundred times more territorial, emotional and passionate than the man.

A more precarious situation is one in which a person goes back into a sexual and emotional relationship with his ex after a while with the present, this is more rampant with women because a woman who has been jilted for another is more likely to go back into that relationship if an opportunity presents itself. This posses a very potent danger to the present relationship on so many levels. In as much as this may not necessarily mean that he is leaving his wife or girlfriend and moving back to the ex, it clearly means that the ex has a very powerful hold on him. A man who lets this happen is naive, foolish and immature, because depending on how and why you left her for your present partner, you may be setting the stage and setting yourself up for a second wife or baby mama and these may all be engineered around getting even with you for leaving her or with your wife for stealing you away from her. In most cases when a female ex lurks around after you have started a new relationship, they are out to destroy consciously or unconsciously. On the other hand, a woman who subjects herself to this disrespectful position is either shortsighted or is bereft of self esteem. For a single man you are seeing to leave you and marry someone else and you still decide to be the third party is very sad, to move from the main chic to the side chic is a huge insult and casts a grim shadow on your self respect. If they don’t find you worthy to be wife, if they left you for someone else, how foolish can you be to continue tolerating them. There is a reason he left you for her, count your losses and make hay while the sun shines, disengage yourself start over with a man who deserves you.

Finally a percentage of woman are also guilty of this, some have continued to maintain old relationships through a maze of lies and deception. Most of these relationships are with either college sweethearts for the fun and sex or with older ex boyfriends whose job it is to continue to finance a lifestyle often too expensive for the husbands to afford. The relationship with the older ex boyfriend who is in most cases also married is maintained as an insurance policy to ensure that she keeps enjoying the trappings of wealth even if her husband is unable to fly that high. To mask her source of wealth, she either has a camouflage job or a business front to justify her affluent lifestyle. This is recipe for disaster, if you do not disengage from these older benefactors, you will become addicted to their lifestyle, this will put a lot of pressure on your husband who is probably just starting life, unable to cope he becomes angry and bitter and may resort to physical abuse. All these ends with the destruction of your marriage. Remember that your benefactor will not leave his own marriage for you, even if he leaves his wife, I can guarantee that you will not be the replacement because you cheated on your husband with him and he will never trust you. If you are married stay in your marriage and live your husband’s life, encourage and pray for him to succeed, build and grow with him. 

Focus on your present relationship and give it all you have to make it work. Your ex may have made you happy in the past and it may not be possible to completely wish that away, while it is completely in order to savour the euphoric recollection of glorious past relationships, do not let it interfere with your present happiness. Do not let your past mess up your present, there is a reason why it is past, It is best to leave the ex where they belong, in the past – Sir Stanley Ekezie 

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