Indefinite courtship, finite commitment 

I got a message this afternoon from a distressed young woman who was distraught because her boyfriend and live in lover of 5 years just broke up with her. She gave me her own side of the story which I suspected was obviously crafted to elicit sympathy and cast a grim shadow on the character of her now estranged boyfriend. I insisted on speaking with the man, she told him and he called me. I spoke with him for about 3 minutes and realised that he didn’t want to marry her from the onset. He probably knew a few months into their relationship that he wasn’t going to marry her, but because of pressure and the emotional blackmail unleashed on him by the girl, he struggled to hang on. He had no tangible reason to break up with her, he simply said the spark in the relationship is no longer there. It took him five long years to figure that out , how convenient. He also unapologetically agreed to cheating on her with a lady I suspect is the person he is going to settle with.  He led her on, he took advantage of her naivety by taking her to his parents and almost all members of his family to deceive her. He was mean, devious and very deceptive, but she created the enabling environment for that to happen. She lost confidence and convinced herself she couldn’t do better than him, she kept telling herself that it has to work because she had spent 5 years in it and she isn’t getting any younger. These are the typical mistakes women make in situations like this, instead of leaving, she stayed in the directionless relationship crying over milk that was being spilled on an ongoing basis. She had a huge share of the blame for what happened to her.

The above scenario plays out every day, women are dragged into very long relationships, with absolutely no intentions whatsoever to marry them. She is unnecessarily exposed and showcased for a few months then for a very flimsy reason she is dumped. Sadly it is totally accurate to assume that in more than 80% of the time, a man knows for sure what he wants to do in as early as two months into a relationship. A serious man doesn’t sit around observing negative behavioral traits, he starts working towards marriage from the onset, this helps the girl get a very clear picture of where the relationship is heading, she becomes focused and committed as a result of this. In as much as I will lay most of the blame for this on the men, a woman has to give her consent directly or indirectly to be treated this way. I am a firm believer in courtship before marriage, I believe people have a right to full discovery and disclosure, having said that, I believe it is unfair and deceptive to stretch this period for too long. There is no one on earth who will not buckle under scrutiny if it goes on indefinitely. There is a period of trying to know someone which is encouraged, after that comes the period of trying to find faults. The later usually goes on much longer and we intend to linger here a bit more and then without warning the relationship is over. 

Like I said earlier, Courtship is good but it is not indefinite, it is important to bring everything to the table immediately so that you avoid lingering in the “getting to know you stage” Courtship should be that brief moment set aside for negotiations before marriage, everything should and must be put on the table. I mean every single thing including money, career, sex, children, where you will live, duties and even expected punishment for various offenses. Everyone is expected to sit at this table with as much sincerity as possible, it goes a long way to ensure a successful negotiation. Anything you think might be a problem must be mentioned, discussed and properly addressed. Do not attempt to ignore or sweep anything under the table, even the most insignificant issues must be discussed and agreed upon. It is at this negotiating table that the most successful marriages are made. 

Every woman must possess the required confidence and will power to walk away from a relationship where she will have to scheme and change who she is to appeal to the man.  He does not need more than 1 year max to marry you if he is sincere, if it takes longer than this, if he is financially capable and yet he is not saying anything towards that direction, you need to reevaluate your position in the relationship. If it takes you this much energy now, imagine what your life will be like after two years of marriage. If he is not all over you, if he is not intensely kind, if your laughter doesn’t light up his face and if your tears do not melt his heart, you may want to reconsider your decision to marry him.  We are men, we are the chasers, we are supposed to be the ones putting pressure on you and wanting to be with you as quickly as we can afford to get you to the altar. If this is reversed, the relationship is taking off on a very wrong footing. You may have to keep chasing him till death do you part. Do not fight over a man, when you fight and slander a fellow woman to marry a man, you have succeeded in creating a proud and arrogant man who will definitely think he is doing you a favor choosing to marry you over your competitions, this will be rubbed in more than a few times during the course of the marriage. You have to sharpen you fighting skills, you will definitely need it to keep fighting over him.

This is also applicable to men, if you are convinced in your heart that you have tried your best to make her happy and yet she is not, if she is indefinitely postponing the wedding and yet she is demanding heaven and earth from you, either she is just waiting to see if someone better comes along or the person is already in the picture and hadn’t proposed yet, you are just a standby fiancé, the alternative and you may end up brutally hurt. If she loves you, she will respond positively, the synergy of your chasing with the ease with which she responds will convince you that she is the one. A responsible girl who loves you sincerely and wants to spend the rest of her life with you will encourage you to start saving for the future knowing that she will be in it – Sir Stanley Ekezie 

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13 comments

  1. Only Heavenly inspiration can elicit this flow of tact and reason, laced in seeming sympathy and success system in relationships.

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  2. Well said. GOD keep blessing you with the wisdom to keep speaking out, sharing these inspiring messages and by HIS grace people will learn.

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  3. Great piece. We won’t rest until you write a book. By God’s grace I’ll come to nig for the book launch. 👏👏👏

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  4. My father used to say that; “when a woman knows her expectation in a man’s life she pretends not to be in a hurry”. And I think one of the problems with some of us, especially the women is lack of concentration and observation. They are easily carried away by the things they called fun and by the time they realised themselves things have gone a little too late. No one whose original intentions towards you either for good or bad cannot be spotted; however it only take the ability to concentrate and observe to detect where your relationship is heading.

    Chief Stan Ekezie Ksc thank you for finding out time to write on this important issue.

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  5. Sir Stan Ekezie, no matter how long your writing are, they make meanings and remain captivating till the end. You have blessed humanity immensely by your writings. May God bless you and your family for creating time for the honorable mission amidst your tight schedule

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  6. Sir Stan Ekezie! What a thoughtful piece for the society. Words of Wisdom from A Shinning One. In Unum Luceant.

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  7. I can’t fault your write ups. I read every word . Even between the lines. You are very objective even the most difficult subjects ( like this one). Will print a copy and leave for my daughter (she’s too young for this now) unless you are writing a book ( whic h I think you should). Well done. Permit me to share

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  8. Mazi Stan you said it all sir ,The Bible teaches us that all people were meant to have friendship with God. It began that way, but ever since Adam and Eve, man has fought against that relationship. Instead of living in peace with God and each other, we find conflict and disagreement … or worse! I salute you From Sambisa forest.

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