Ingratitude or retribution 

I often hear people say “after all I did for you” “after all the money and time I spent on you” “after standing by you when you had nothing, you are an ungrateful person” and so on. These statements might have an element of truth in all of them. There are actually very ungrateful people out there, people who will never appreciate anything anyone does for them, no matter how much. However it is not all the time that the statements above paint the correct picture, there are times when ingratitude is not as result of of the persons character, it is rather because of the way the person was treated while help was being rendered. Most people tend to stretch you to the limits for small favours or even the big ones. You are reminded on a daily basis of how incapable you are of helping yourself, dragged down, trampled upon and humiliated publicly. How can favours like this be appreciated? We may wonder why a person will agree to be humiliated in this manner in order to receive help, the truth is, sometimes a person in need does not have the luxury of choice, he may be so helpless that he is willing to endure and tolerate anything to get by. Once he regains his financial independence, his reaction against his former benefactor becomes hostile and he is perceived to be ungrateful. 

There are instances where a man humiliates and mentally or even physically abuses his wife/girlfriend just because he is solely providing for her. She does not have a voice or say in the affairs of the family, she is so financially enslaved that she cannot breath without the consent of the man. Sometimes, the man may resort to cheating almost openly knowing she is incapable of leaving him because she cannot afford to fend for herself. When she asks for the basic things, he gives her a long lecture on management and yet she knows he spends much more than that on himself and his girlfriends, this kills her slowly as her self esteem is being chipped away one spec at a time. Some will instead of upgrading their wives look outside for already made women to openly flaunt for all to see. What do you think will happen when this woman suddenly gains financial independence or when the table turns. Show of gratitude or appreciation will be the last thing on her list. She will probably become disobedient and spiteful because of the trauma she was exposed to. Men are advised to treat their wives with respect and dignity because the wealth is yours to enjoy with her and the kids . She may be the reason why God has blessed you. Don’t let her feel you are hurting her because of money so she does not resort to doing whatever is necessary to make her own money, this desperate mindset destroys women and the home because it may force her into cheating with anyone who can give her money and attention.

When a man is financially unable to cope with providing for his family, it is generally expected that his wife will stand by him, encouraging and praying for him. Sometimes however, it is better for him that his wife leaves him to suffer his fate alone; there are companionships which curse rather than a bless the man. Some wives have been known to ridicule and torment their husband with his inability to provide. Asking for and insisting on what you know he cannot providing is on the same level as calling him a misfit (ozu nwoke). The fact that he cannot provide those things is already killing him slowly, rubbing it in kills his already injured self esteem, this will surely and most certainly accelerate his movement to an early grave. A woman may not be quarrelsome or even ask for anything untoward, but their body language, murmuring and loud prayer points and requests can brutally bruise a man’s ego making it difficult for him to concentrate and articulate plans to come out of his situation. This situation may also force him into the hands of a strange woman who will treat him like a King irrespective of his situation. When a man eventually under these conditions make it out of lack and penury, his primary aim will be to show his wife that he has arrived. He may also in appreciation descend lower into the annals of adultery with this same strange woman who had given him the comfort and confidence to fight for survival. Men appreciate support in their times of lack. A women, standing by her man requires trying hard to ignore his inadequacies, encouraging him, making him see you happy and hopeful of a better tomorrow. Assuring him that no matter what, you are in it together. Don’t push him to desperation so that he won’t resort to crime or money rituals just to please you. A man reacts more to the ridicule at home than the pressure outside. 

Let us endeavor to treat those who depend on us with with dignity and respect bearing in mind that no condition is permanent, we may have to depend on someone tomorrow and will expect to be treated well. – Sir Stanley Ekezie 

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14 comments

  1. Stan my brother it is not all that glitters is gold. Sometimes if you empower a woman it becomes your nightmare. Your theories postulated by you may be good to the ganders but may not be good to the goes. Men have seen hell and fire and brimstone for empowering a woman. So many have empowered women only to get burnt after the empowerment. If you are lucky for your wife to show understanding and support after you have empowered her always thank God that woman loves you. And she has come to marry you. Same also to men. It is vice versa. I always enjoy your write up. But I am based my comment on experience.

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  2. Chima, you are right and I respect your opinion because truly some women are impossible to please but I still believe it pays more to empower her. In event of death, permanent disability or even a downturn in the finances of the man , it is the financially independent woman that will be able to take care of the home awaiting an improvement in the situation. I believe it’s always better to have an alternative to fall back on…..bearing in mind that the same children we so much love can at least benefit from there. Well done Stan

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  3. Oge, even in Nigeria. I know of a man who refused to give his wife part of his office space to start her business. Meanwhile, the office space is his, he pays no rent. He knows fully well that any money coming in will benefit the family, his ego still refused cos he’s bearing grudges against wife. Tell me how she’ll feel towards him if she starts the biz without his support? I’ve seen so many kind hearted women change because of incidents like this.

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  4. May our husbands not have downturn in their finances and we say a big Amen.
    Ehe don’t empower your wife she’s the devil’s incarnate. Have you thought of other things,an emergency or you get stuck somewhere/anywhere ? Remember volcanic ash. Life happens whether we like it or not. The most important thing is treat your wife right and she will be “putty” in your hands same as men.
    Marry a man or woman with a conscience.
    Marriage is not easy . Has never been but can be enjoyed. it takes 2 to tango.
    Think back where did you go wrong. Go back there and make peace. Life is not that deep. Here today gone tomorrow. Be happy

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  5. Ahunna. If you are blessed with a wonderful man or the man is blessed with a wonderful woman the two should thank God or count thier blessings. No marriages works the same but some pple marriages can be used as role model.

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  6. Chima what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. The man and the woman who are blessed may have just put in more effort and tolerated each other’s imperfections to make it work. There is no perfect marriage, but the willingness to overlook the imperfections is what makes it right. The wonderful woman or man is wonderful because someone is patient enough to bring it out of her. Every human being is capable of good and evil, the button you push will determine which one you end up with.

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  7. I’m trying to figure out why for Christ sake someone will be ungrateful to a finger that feed you irrespective of the circumstances surrounding it….an ungrateful person is an ungrateful person even when you treats them with all the dignity in the world….!!!!

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  8. Stanley Ekezie ..ha ha ..lol…nice piece…However, statistics have shown naturally that in marriages, Men are usually richer than women. That is why men are called the bread winners or head of the family.The bible and koran said so.Considering the fact that innovations or social developments are taken place in this 21st cent,instead of A to B , it is now B to A,…Let me tell you Stan…in marriages where the woman is always richer than the man,…it depends;..to me,..you don’t get the real taste of marriage…I am not saying that the wife should be poor on not financially independent…Those men that sit down day and night and see their wives feed them, pay all the bills and school fees no matter their circumstances are regarded as “Shemen”..No man gets adequate respect when the wife takes over both functions.. No matter how much a woman make financially , you still have to treat her like a woman by pampering her financially and otherwise. Any person that comes up in public to say that he or she supported this person when he or she was nothing is a fool.It is against the word of God..God can take care of a person through another person..The question you ask the complainant, “have someone not helped you to be a minister or a contractor or even during classroom exams before in your life?..It is only a fool or an idiot that will help someone and expect a reward from the person..In some families, after bringing up their kids, they would grow up without looking after their parents talk less of husband/wife relationships .If you help your wife or husband to develop financially and at last, richer than you, you should not think that you are smarter because the end justifies the means…Naturally we all know what women are like when they get annoyed,….when a woman spend just 20,000 naira, she will shout and make noise about it in the house..lol…Check out a situation when the husband is not providing , that guy is in hell fire but he will not tell you what he is passing through. If you see the couple outside, you will think all is ok ..but not ok….lol…Some men are dying in silence in their marriages…lol…I know a guy that have not worked or done any business in nigeria since he graduated and married in Nigeria , his wife who works , feed the house, pay the bills, rents, school fees, etc…All the man would do is to wear all the designers and drive around with his wife’s car…and petrol….lol..shame…

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  9. ND, in as much as I believe that it is natural for a man to provide, i see nothing wrong with a woman doing it if she is so blessed. Everything depends on how you treat each other. The way a woman respects a man who solely provides for her, is the same way a man should show respect and show appreciation to a woman solely providing for the family. What the former can do and get away with it, the later has to thread with caution. I have a friend who is not working, he used to be a big business man before things went bad. During his days incharge, he couldn’t spend a dime of his money without informing his wife. She was incharge indirectly. Now she a big woman in the bank and for 7 years her 6 figure income has been going into an account solely controlled by my friend. He gives her pocket money when the money comes in and takes care of the rest of the family needs like before. Now he is bouncing back after 7 years of hardship, she stood by him happily respecting and honouring him. There are so many women doing, but because they are covering the man happily you won’t hear of it. Everything depends on how you treat your wife or your husband when you have. What you sow is what you reap. I know there is a small percentage of badly behaved people who will be bad regardless of how well you treat them. It will be unfair to the many women who are happily standing in for their husbands to generalise that women who are breadwinners are mean.

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