Relationship blues and bliss

This is a statement of entitlement which is usually deployed by those who feel they haven’t been fairly treated, especially those who stayed when the going was tough. It has also been used as a tool for manipulation and guilt tripping designed to extract favors, gratitude and commendation for supporting their spouses, friends or associates through thick and thin.

Staying in times of hardship is expected in a committed relationship or friendship and appreciating this presence is sacrosanct for those who wield a good conscience. However, staying can be viewed from multiple perspectives, it is not the physical presence that matters, rather it is the sincere, understanding and compassionate support given to a spouse or friend who is going through hard times. It also involves being attentive to their needs, patiently listening to their whining without judgment or disdain and lending a helping hand when you can without subjecting them to begging and ridicule.

Entitlement to this statement depends on the quality and sincerity of your presence. For people who are going through hardship, your physical presence without empathy, sacrifice, encouragement is worse than leaving, and when your presence is laced with negative utterances, blame or resentment it becomes a huge punishment and bereft of the succor expected from a caring spouse. Rather than provide emotional support, you become a daily reminder of their struggles and inadequacies.

Constantly asking your spouse for things you know is out of their reach or complaining and reminding them daily of your sacrifice and discomfort makes your presence destructive rather than soothing. Most people know their responsibilities, especially to their spouses, being unable to provide these things silently destroys them and your ability to endure and convince them through your utterances and body language that you are comfortable while fervently praying for better times is a huge encouragement. In fact, how well you conduct yourself motivates them to work harder so they can appreciate and reward you for your support when things get better.

The reaction you get for putting pressure on a spouse who is unable to adequately provide for you is usually hostile. They assume you are deliberately casting aspersions on them, this creates a feeling of resentment towards you. They see you as undeserving of reaping the benefits of your presence when things eventually become better for them. This is one of the reasons why people turn on those who are perceived to have stayed through the storm. Their negative reaction is not against the physical presence, but against the nagging, pressure and mockery endured during hard times. If you must stay, stay right otherwise you are a bigger problem than the storm they are going through – Sir Stanley Ekezie

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