Relationship blues and bliss

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

This is one of the most important attributes every human being in a relationship should embrace. Your ability to learn, imbibe and practice this concept contributes significantly to the success or failure of every relationship. In dealing with human beings you must know their strengths, weaknesses and triggers. This concept involves accepting responsibility and apologizing for wrongdoing, managing your ego and pride, speaking and doing things in consideration of the emotional health of others. It also involves treating your spouse with respect and dignity, avoiding conflict when the situation is charged, even when you are right. Learning to deescalate potentially violent situations by offering undeserved apologies is a life saving emotional intelligence skill which every one in a relationship must learn and imbibe.

One mistake couples make is to hold on to the early days of a relationship where butterflies and flowers are present and deliberate acts of love and care dominate your daily lives, this may not be sustainable over a long period of time especially when kids arrive and the pressures and struggles of catering for them begins to take its toll on the couple. This however does not mean the absence of love and care, it means that the relationship is responding to the realities of your daily lives. Your ability to manage these pressures and your spouse’s expectations in an understanding and tolerant manner is required to keep the relationship going. Putting yourself in the shoes of the primary provider goes a long way to help you understand their struggles.

For a man, his wife is the personification of his daily struggles or the other way round if the woman is the bread winner. The family has needs which the bread winner is reminded of daily, the one whose responsibility it is to remind their spouse of the family needs and wants becomes the human embodiment of these responsibilities. The pressure to meet the needs of the family incites irritation and sometimes hostilities, which interfere’s with romance and is erroneously interpreted as lack of love and care. Emotional intelligence is making a conscious effort to sustain romance in spite of the struggle for survival and sustenance to mitigate the feelings of neglect and to reassure your spouse of your love and care.

It is usually not what you say that causes problems in a relationship, it is when and how these things are presented. If you have taken time to know your spouse, you should know when and how to present a problem or make demands from them. If you have done something wrong and your spouse reacts in a way that aggravates you, it behoves you to remain calm and accept responsibility, knowing that their reaction is a consequence of your action. Focusing on their reaction rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for your wrongdoing is very selfish, irresponsible and disrespectful. A better approach is to apologize first, then when tempers are down, you can then calmly tell them your feelings about their reaction. In most cases an apology is offered and life returns to normal.

As time goes on, you must have known your spouses sensibilities, what lines not to cross and things that trigger them, avoiding these things is not an act of cowardice, submission or subjugation, it is rather your exhibition of emotional intelligence in response to issues in your relationship. Deliberately crossing these lines to aggravate them or just to prove a point is an act of emotional stupidity, a grievous mistake that has no direct benefit except the superficial pleasure of massaging your ego and pride to the detriment of a harmonious living environment. Emotional intelligence is about mastering the art of timing, manner of approach and tone of verbal engagement – Sir Stanley Ekezie

@highlight