Relationship blues and bliss

The instability in marriages today started with the GenX, those of us born between 1965 and 1980. Trying to replicate what we saw growing up is a major factor in marriages. Our parents maintained marriages that were compliant with traditional marriage ethos. In the family, our fathers ruled like emperors, the women cowed in fear, being mostly financially handicapped, they submitted and obeyed, too afraid to leave because of their children’s welfare. Many of them dreaded the thought of another woman raising their children. As children, boys and girls, we watched and we learnt. The boys learnt gender supremacy and imbibed the idea of entitlement to leadership and the women learnt submission no matter the condition. Divorce was an option never to be discussed, a taboo and disgrace to the family. Families will rather have their daughter die in marriage than leave an abusive man.

This narrative continued with the millennials, the influence of the GenX had rubbed off on them. However, women were beginning to question the norms, the Silicon Valley boom and the banking and corporate sector revolution in Nigeria gave birth to a new generation of women, driven, ambitious, academically and financially empowered. They started to demand their rightful place beside and not behind the man. Empowered and encouraged by the shattering of glass ceilings by women in almost all facets of life including those previously dominated by men, they pressed on. Unyielding but weakened by the emergence of this hybrid woman, the men continued to push their agender of dominance in marriage. A serious gender conflict therefore became inevitable.

Then his Waterloo arrives, the GenZ woman, educated, bold, ambitious and independent. The revolution which started with the GenX has now come to fruition with the GenZs, the anticipated gender warfare in marriages has finally arrived. The modern woman is unlike the woman who raised him, all the religious and traditional indoctrination and mindset of male supremacy in marriage were fragrantly dismantled by her. Aided and abetted by the social media, a new mindset was pushed and entrenched in the society. Her femininity and sexuality which used to be a disadvantage were deployed as weapons of power, manipulation and financial enrichment.

From seeking equality to asserting superiority they marched on, challenging the status quo in everything, including vices like partying, drinking, smoking, cheating which were previously dominated by men. The rise of Pentecostal churches with a more liberal approach on issues checkmated the orthodox church’s hardline stance on morality and marriage. The traditional institution also caved in, wives were no longer only Lolos but were also made red cap chiefs alongside their husbands, thus sealing the fate of male dominance in the society and by extention marriages as we knew it.

For marriages to survive, it will require a complete departure from the mindset of male supremacy and domination like our fathers practiced because the wives today are nothing like our mothers. Women must also tone down their struggle for equality, considering the man’s early exposure to a dominant mindset, it will take sometime to reorientate him. A more balanced approach of mutual respect, tolerance and understanding should be adopted. In the absence of this, marriages in this generation will continue to be a struggle. The marriage ceremony rather than signifying a bond affirmed by vows before God and man will be a mere social media photo op, then afterwards, to your tents O Israel – Sir Stanley Ekezie