DNA Testing; stirring the hornet’s nest

A man contacted me five days ago and informed me that he performed a DNA test for his seven year old last child and only son to ascertain his paternity. According to him, the boy looked very different from his siblings so he had this deep rooted desire to check if he is the boy’s biological father. The result came back, it confirmed his suspicion, he didn’t father the boy. Pls note that I have deliberately changed a few details including age and family arrangement to protect the man. I have his permission to share this, he will read your comments. It will help him decide.

He said in that shock and confusion it was my name that popped into his head, he wanted to get my opinion on what he should do or how to react. Let me at this stage point out that this man is in his late sixties, he is diabetic and hypertensive. He has enjoyed a happy marriage to a very submissive woman who had neither challenged nor disrespected him in any way, at least not to his knowledge.

I asked him if his wife or anybody else knew he had done the test, he said no. I told him that he may not like my perspective, but in arriving here, I have taken only him and his welfare into consideration. My desire or intention is not to protect his wife or save his marriage, but to ensure he enjoys what is left of his natural life. I also told him that it is possible his wife may or may not know the child is not he’s, if she cheated while still sleeping with him, chances are that she may not be completely sure.

I understand the need to perform a DNA test, especially if trust becomes an issue, men must understand that it never goes well for them if the worst happens. A woman suffers the initial shame and humiliation when you expose and send her way, but the shame permanently resides with the man and the children. The same society you try to impress by acting in a way that temporarily massages your ego and satisfies your eagerness to get even is the same one that will mock you. Somethings are better left unsaid and unheard.

Our forefathers in their wisdom ruled that as long as you are properly married to a woman, whatever comes from her womb is yours. They were wise, extremely wise, they anticipated and may have experienced situations like this. They must have critically examined the ego gain over the consequences of going public before arriving at this conclusion.

I pointed out the fact that both the “illegitimate” and “legitimate” children are from the same womb, therefore there is a very significant risk of the ones that are yours siding with their mother and the boy. If this happens, his struggle and investment on the kids over the years would have been lost and he will end up alone in retirement. Starting afresh for a man after a divorce is not easy, this becomes more difficult as we age. At 68, starting a family will kill him faster that letting things slide.

Finally I told told him that the society expects him to react in a certain way, which is to call the woman out, disgrace her and send her away with the “illegitimate” child. I advised that he takes sometime to reflect on our conversation and decide what works for him. Anger and the urge to punish his wife should be put aside while he determines the best option that will protect him. Sadly, he cannot punish the woman without burning himself in the process. it will take wisdom and a very strong survival instincts to realize that he is better off letting things slide. Since no one knows including his wife, his ego remains intact – Sir Stanley Ekezie