Dear Sir Stan,

I am an ardent follower. Pls permit me to use this medium to discuss a matter which has worried me for years now. I have been married for 16 years and have had a good relationship with my husband. Apart from occasional issues, we are doing well. He is also a good father and a caring husband. My problem is in the area of intimacy. My husband rarely initiates sex except on very few occasions, but when I do he readily accepts. Does it mean that he doesn’t find me desirable anymore? I have decided not to initiate it and for more than 7 months we haven’t had sex. I have started to suspect he has a mistress. What can I do to make initiate sex more often. Regards, Mrs E.

Dear madam, Interestingly you have not accused your husband of abuse or lack of care, you have let Pride and ego creep into your home. Two wrongs don’t make a right, in the matrimonial bedroom there is no score or point to be tallied to choose a loser or winner with regards to initiating sex. If each time you have initiated sex he readily accepted, what is the issue?? According to you, he has not denied you conjugal rights when you make a move, you also agreed that he makes the move sometimes, you have simply let pride into your matrimonial bedroom. In this war of ego there will be no winner, only two losers at the end of the day.

Your husband should take the lead on this, that is the right thing to do, but if he doesn’t you can take the lead, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don’t know what his reasons are, but you are making a huge mistake by letting the situation persist. I understand that you want to feel wanted or desired also but the mere fact that he doesn’t refuse your advances means that you can still get his attention. There is no law that says a woman cannot initiate sex, for some me it’s a huge turn on. As individuals, our libido is different, if yours is higher, it is nothing to be ashamed of, by all means make the demand and satisfy yourself, it is your matrimonial right.

Regarding your assumption that he may have a mistress, you are not out of place to assume he does. His failure to initiate sex does not immediately point to having a mistress, but your playing hard to get will certainly expose him to temptation. You are also not immune to temptation, not getting satisfaction at home makes it a struggle to remain faithful. He may also believe that you are having an affair since you have suddenly become uninterested in intimacy, like you, he will be justified to make such assumptions, this may be the beginning of a more serious trust issues and exposure to temptation for both of you.

I will ask these pertinent questions from a man’s point of view before I proceed, Have you kept yourself in a way that seduces his senses? Have you ensured that you are not too confrontational or not unnecessarily challenging his authority at home? Men get attracted to feminine traits both in body and behaviour and women are attracted to men who exude masculinity, not necessarily physically but in their behaviour and ability to provide for and protect them; this is natural.

I am sure if you see him on high heels or he suddenly starts behaving like a sissy and whining his waist you will be totally put off, that is how men view women who attempt to usurp their authority as husbands. A man whose ego is trampled upon or a man who has been emasculated will see his wife as a she-male. Except he is gay, this is a huge turn off. Same thing applies to attempting to sleep with a woman who is not loved or cared for. She will definitely be emotionally unavailable and will do everything to avoid the act.

I advise you dialogue with him in a way that shows genuine concern, find out why he rarely initiates sex, tell him how bad you really feel about the situation and listen to him without confrontation. He may be dealing with more than you can ever imagine. I wish you luck and hope you find the happiness you deserve – Sir Stanley Ekezie