A man spoke to me about the challenges he has been having at home, it centred on lack of sex in his marriage. This is quite common and happens to the best of us at some point in our marriages. Sex is an integral part of marriage, it is regarded as one of the most important sources of bonding. Couples are encouraged to as much as possible engage in the act as a means of cementing their bond. While this is true, it is also true that having sex does not automatically guarantee a close bond with a spouse. Lack of it, depending on the reason does not transcend to the dearth of a close personal relationship with your partner. It is possible to enjoy a loving relationship without sex, if both parties are on the same page.

Lack of sex becomes a problem when one person loses the urge or for some reason does not have interest in sex while the other person is still sexually active and insists on engaging in the act. This imbalance in desire ultimately leads to a feeling of denial which if not properly handled can lead to several serious issues in the relationship. In this situation, problems like depression, quarrelsomeness, infidelity, verbal or physical abuse and lack of commitment may arise.

Ageing manifests in different forms and comes at different stages in a persons life, for some people sexual desire decreases with age and for others it increases as they get older. If you are unlucky to have these extremes at the same time in a couple, it may pose serious problems. The loss of libido, strength and stamina may cause some men to develop serious insecurities which may affect their performance, this may affect his ego leading to the consequential loss of interest in sex.

The way a woman is treated by her spouse is directly related to her sexual appetite. Studies have shown that a woman’s emotions positively or negatively affects her ability to have sex. Verbally or physically abusing her or generally treating her badly may have a negative impact on her sex life. A woman who is not properly taken care of will over time perceive sex as a duty to her husband rather than an act to be enjoyed by both parties. Over time she may develop an apathy to sex. Some underlying health conditions can also lead to loss of desire or inability to perform even when the desire is present.

Proven cases or suspicion of infidelity may also make a man or woman withdraw sexually. The feeling of betrayal which follows infidelity conflicts with the right mood required to engage in sexual activity. Stress is also another factor which may affect sexual desire, those who are suffering from high levels of stress may be uninterested in sex, it causes erectile dysfunction in men and frigidity in women. Pre Marriage sexual trauma or rape which they failed to disclose can also be a factor, if you are a victim seek help as soon as possible so that you do not unintentionally destroy your relationship.

It is important for couples to be open about their sex life, engage your spouse in deep conversations about your needs, where and when possible get professional help. Most of the issues above can be fixed with dialogue and even medication. It is unwise to assume that a spouse should know the right thing or purposely abstaining for some imagined reasons, it is possible for a person to withdraw without realising it and that includes you. It is easier to assume that your spouse is the problem while on the contrary it may be your actions or body language which has directly or indirectly sent the wrong signals to them. – Sir Stanley Ekezie