Dating to mar or marry 

Some young girls sent messages seeking my opinion on how best to choose a man to marry and what I think the criteria should be. I tried to give a standard explanation of what I think happens out there. However, for every rule there is an exception so there may be marked differences in what actually happens on individual experiences. The most important thing is to determine what you are looking for in a relationship and start working towards it from the onset.

For a young girl looking to settle down the challenge is usually in choosing the ideal man from the barrage of men trying to get your attention. Since it is almost impossible to know for sure what a person’s true intentions are, it becomes a daunting task to sift through the list of seemingly qualified bachelors to choose a sincere one to spend the rest of your life with. It is possible that a good number of them may appear suitable for marriage, great care must be taken to ensure that you do not fall prey to the many dating fraudsters out there masquerading as potential husbands. There are three categories of bachelors out there today, these are, those who come to pay, get what they want and go; those who come to play get what they want and go and finally those who stay because they have gotten what they want. In preparing to make a choice, you have to be clear on what you want, do you want a paymaster, a boyfriend or a husband, you will definitely either get paid, get played or get hitched, one of the three must happen.

The most difficult thing is to differentiate between the three because their approach is almost deceptively identical. However with a little concentration, you may be able to differentiate one from another. The one who comes to pay is very easy to detect, for him it is business, he lays his cards on the table and is not afraid to say what he wants. The challenge is differentiating the one who wants to play and the one who wants to stay. They have almost the same approach, initially overtly nice and appears genuinely interested. However one of the things that differentiates them is patience. The one who wants to play is usually impatient to sleep with his target and move on to the next, all his long sweet talk, excessive show of affection and scheming revolves around one thing only, Sex, and once he gets it, he starts planning his exit strategy, this may take a few weeks or even months depending on the man.

On the other hand, the one who comes to stay is in no hurry, he is willing to stretch it because he believes it will be he’s one day and therefore does not see the need to rush. One other thing you have to look out for is the direction of his discussions with you. The ones who come to play discusses superficial things with no real substance, most times making promises that are bogus and unrealistic, he promises you the world when he cannot even afford to offer you his time or full attention. It is easy for one to get tricked in his very advanced mind games, if he finds out you are desperate to get married, he may throw in a fake marriage proposal to further convince you he is real.

The one who wants to stay discusses long term plans with you, he doesn’t want to be involved in your social vices like drinking, smoking and partying. He is more interested in your future, takes pleasure in discussing your career and your family, those in this category are usually serious minded, dull and uninteresting, making them attractive only to the serious minded women. An immature and inexperienced girl will go with the one who comes to play, they are usually more exciting and fun to be with but this is usually very short-lived. Men in this category lack the ability to remain in a long term relationship for longer that 4-5 circles of clubbing and partying. Most girls get stuck here, they get carried away with glitz and glamour and spend months trying to make him stay, desperately attempting to change someone whose intentions ab initio was not to stay. This is like fitting a square peg in a round hole. Even when you succeed and get them to settle down, it becomes even more difficult to get them to stay committed.

It is important you make up your mind on what you want out of a relationship from the beginning, it will help you choose wisely. If it is money you want, don’t complicate matters by making it look like a proper relationship, you will confuse the man and yourself as well and will probably end up having neither the relationship nor the money. If you want the fun boyfriend, partying clubbing and the good life, these are easy to identify and shouldn’t be a problem since most guys these days fall into this category. When you decide to settle down, you must avoid the first two categories of men. Focus on the serious minded man who comes to stay and not to play or pay. Their packaging may not appeal to you, their lifestyle may be too dull for you, always remember that the criteria for choosing a boyfriend and a husband are completely different, not all boyfriends will make good husbands and not all husbands were good boyfriends. In making a choice, consider your happiness and peace of mind over wealth, while wealth cannot guarantee happiness, a peaceful and happy heart will ensure a long and fulfilled life – Sir Stanley Ekezie



  1. Raw wisdom nuggets to safeguard our girls/ youths in choosing life partners!
    👊👊👊👊👊👊👊 Sir Stan


  2. Wish i can like this write up more than once, always saying it the way it is. More inspiration to you Sir. Lord grant us wisdom to discern


  3. Outstanding, analytical, and well enunciated. You wrote from the perspective of a marriage counselor or a prospective one. Usually, the pay masters win considering the materialistic tendencies of some of our young ladies. They’re more given to glorifying wealth and instant satisfaction than deciphering a man’s genuine intent. The quiet and laid back dude with genuine intention usually doesn’t get any attention because he appreciates the fact he’s in for the long run and does not see the need to woo a lady with wealth. Given some of the young ladies capricious notions, they side track the real dude and settle for the player who flaunts his “flash in the pan wealth”. Usually, the pay master gets his way and before the lady would realize it she has already been hammered and in most cases defrauded.


  4. Stan Ekezie Ksc..Sir stanoooo.How much did these ladies pay you to expose our secrets?..Please don’t expose guys secrets any more…lol…Ok guys that want to “play” or “pay” will now be behaving like those that want to “stay.”….lol..lmao…


  5. One more thing, marriage is God’s idea, ask Him to direct the right man to you, but also make sure that you as a woman is living right.


  6. Excellent analysis Sir Stan Ekezie. Unfortunately, most young men of nowadays are moving fast in the first two categories while most ladies are not wise enough to discern the trends.


  7. Of course there are many opportunistic fellows out there pretending to seek wives. It will be worthwhile to mention that it’s a daunting task finding a suitable female. It’s just a complete mess out there.


  8. Waoh!! Very interesting read! Dating in this generation now seems like nuclear science. I thought it was all about Love. Boy meet Girl, fall in love and live happily ever after. Thing is in most part of the world, money is a fundamental part of the equation. Consequently, you have to build a business case for each suitor, almost like you are about to run a project. In my world, Love is the only reason to couple. Don’t settle until you find it. When you find it you will know…..


  9. Like u stated every rule has its exceptions. These days the ones who want to play are also very patient and can also pretend to be interested in your future etc. Some are also not in a hurry to get what they want especially when its a girl they have been planning to get for a long time.


  10. So well put Stan Ekezie Ksc, while they are playing & paying, they’ll be spreading all kinds of STDs. And yes, wealth cannot guarantee happiness!


  11. This is too much hard work. Why can’t we all just be merry and God fearing?

    A lot of marriages are breaking up. They don’t last 6 months to 1 year. Nowadays both man and woman play pay and dash.

    The older men are not good examples to the younger men. The older women too.

    What’s really going on?


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