Actions and consequences 

Most women cheat to get back at their husbands for serial adultery, lack of affection, lack of financial support, lack of sexual satisfaction or ignorance. There are also other motivations and reasons for cheating, prominent on the list are, material gain, sexual satisfaction and emotional support, poor upbringing among other things. The repercussions on a family is loud, profound and often permanent.

I may not be an authority in theology or spiritual matters, but I believe there is a relationship between a cheating wife and family misfortunes especially as it affects the children. I have observed that women who are rumored to be wayward will most likely have children who are either wayward or morally bankrupt, this is usually worse if she has daughters.

This may just be a mere coincidence, then again, who wants to find out the hard way. No man or even a woman will consent to his/her son marrying a girl whose mother is known or suspected to be wayward, except her father is well grounded and insists on bringing up the kids himself, those who go ahead to marry such a girl will most definitely use it to ridicule her in future with the famous “like mother like daughter” phrase.

I know some men are beasts and can drive a woman to a state of total mental and emotional collapse, I also understand the need for some women to get so drawn to cheating for comfort, I still believe that no reason is enough to drive a woman to gamble with the future of her children. The man who is often the target suffers only shame and a dented ego, the brunt of the repercussion is usually borne by the woman herself and especially her innocent children.

It is important for a woman to understand that Men who go after other people’s wives have very low self esteem, they see married women as easy and cheap targets, they take advantage of matrimonial problems or sometimes the easy access provided by the husband himself by way of “family friend”. Women must understand that a man who asks you out while you are married has absolutely no regards or respect for you, no matter what he says or does, he sees you as a cheap alternative with very low resistance, he will never trust you.

A man can say or promise anything when he wants to have sex, that better life he is offering is a mirage, he will get tired sooner or later and start disrespecting you as soon as he has his way with you, he knows you can’t complain to anyone so he does what he wants, you are most likely not the only woman he is cheating with. One thing is for sure, he is definitely going to tell someone, and that someone will tell another person, sooner or later you become an object of ridicule.

You may never even be aware that people know about your affairs, they will only discuss it behind your back. A man will go to great lengths to preserve his family while destroying yours because if you are caught, his wife will most likely never leave him, she will become more possessive and blame you for trying to destroy her home, your husband on the other hand will blame you and you will be disgraced out of your matrimonial home. Your lover will be too busy at home trying to appease his wife to even notice you. At this point you are totally alone.

A woman is the custodian of family values and virtue, she is the prized gem, if she gets compromised everything becomes tainted. In as much as My Christian beliefs won’t let me support separation or divorce, it may be more honorable for a woman to simply leave her husband if you must be with another man. This preserves her dignity and protects her against discrimination and stigma targeted at cheating wives.

Some women might argue that this is sexist since a man does not suffer the same fate if caught cheating, I totally agree, but it is the simple truth, our society is flawed and extremely partial on this. This may be because men stand with and support each other on this issue, some women will even make excuses in support of a cheating husband and lay the blame on a fellow woman. On the other hand, Women who are caught cheating suffer most in the hands of their fellow women.

Her holier than though friends will usually ostracise her from their circle as she becomes the subject of ridicule and gossip amongst them. It is a very partial and flawed society, it may not go down well with feminists and proponents of women liberation or equality, but it is the hard truth – Sir Stanley Ekezie

Negative confession 

You meet a girl, you lie that you are single, divorced, separated or married to a wicked witch. You tell all these fantastically articulated lies just to sleep with her. You successfully deceive her and she agrees. You feel a sense of satisfaction and conquest. Then suddenly your wife begins to exhibit the traits of a wicked witch, you wonder where this is coming from, she makes your life miserable, you get separated for a while, eventually, the marriage ends and you become divorced and single just like you predicted when you confessed it with your own mouth. You turn around and blame everyone but yourself. All the lies you told suddenly becomes reality. What you have done is to verbally and prophetically destroy your home. What your mouth says stands, there is power in spoken word. Be careful what you confess with your mouth. As the head of the family any pronouncements that comes forth from your mouth on any member of your family is very powerful and prophetic. Use this power wisely and uplift your wife and children always. Make it a habit to bless your children regularly. Never verbally abuse your wife, do not talk to her in a condescending manner. compliment her as often as possible and support her aspirations. If she succeeds you succeed. Consider her quest for success a family asset, even if you don’t benefit directly, your children will, this is one of the high points of our existence, to nurture the next generation. Remember, God made a woman among other things to be a companion and a helper to the man. Do not get in the way of her aspiration to contribute to the upkeep of the family. She can only achieve this with a certain level of independence, trust her and support her career. It is as much her responsibility as it is yours to provide for the family, if she is capable let her help – Sir Stanley Ekezie

Demons of destruction 

One thing every couple should bear in mind is that not everyone that appears happy for you is genuine. There are demons everywhere seriously looking for a relationship to invade and destroy. These agents of destruction come in different forms, they come as relations, concerned friends, fake pastors and even siblings. Some of them are very brazen in their efforts to destroy, these are easy to detect. The dangerous ones are those who come as good friends, family and fake men of God, they gradually gain the confidence of the couple and begin to sow their seed of discord. They become that person you go to complain and cry to, they gain your confidence and you begin to trust them with information that may hurt you, in your anger and believing you are talking to a friend, you say nasty things you don’t really mean about your spouse, this demon of destruction will modify what you have said and take it back to your spouse nicely spiced with evil intent. This ignites an already volatile situation, reconciliation becomes impossible with the devil in the middle. The antidote for this poison is openness, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! never protect the identity of the source of any damaging information/ gossip involving your spouse. Chances are that the same person trying to be the Good Samaritan settling your problem is the same person peddling information/gossip that keeps the fire of your conflict burning. If anyone comes to you with information/gossip about your spouse, insist on quoting them when you confront your spouse. If they decline, that is your first clue that they are being wicked and mischievous. The whistleblower should be bold enough to stand by the information they provide if it is true. If they love you enough to come to you with information about your spouse, that means they are on your side, why would they care if you quote them? except of course they want to be friends with both parties and keep playing them against each other. Always go to your partner with anything you hear about them, things may not always be what they seem, give them a chance to defend themselves. Approach with intent to chastise and forgive instead of condemnation, mockery and an unforgiving spirit. Be careful who you invite into your relationship. Be wise and talk to your partner no matter how much they have annoyed you. Remind yourself always that you are in it for better for worse, for richer for poorer in sickness and in health till death do you path – Sir Stanley Ekezie

Christian marriage 

I have a non secular view of the marriage institution. Male chauvinism and feminism have no place in my perception of the sacred institution. Christian Marriage is optional, not everyone is wired to be in this biblically regimented institution. The Bible has unambiguous and perspicuous instructions on the specific role each individual in a marriage should play.

The good book aptly outlines what a man’s life should be from the moment he finds a wife, It teaches us how to be good husbands and fathers. On the other hand, it teaches women how to play their role as good wives and mothers. Some people have accused me of being either pro men or pro women, my views are a blend of what the Bible says and the realities of the dynamics of our present day society. I have maintained that the society today may find it difficult to completely live according to these instructions.

I went further to advocate a situation where each party conscientiously relinquishes some control/role for the sake of balance and equity. This however should not demean what the bible says. You cannot rush to pay your tithe, give first fruit offerings, fast and pray and still argue when it come to loving your wife as Christ loved the church, being prepared to give your life for her and for the women, not submitting to your husband and recognising him as the head of your household .

All of the above are instructions handed to us by God himself. God’s instructions are not selectively applicable, you cannot believe in one and ignore the other just because you don’t like the sound of it. Some people will run to church to be wedded and still claim to have secular views on marriage. If you are a nonconformist, you should consider getting married in a secular institution like the law courts. Saying “I do” in church makes you answerable to ethos as propounded by Christianity – Sir Stanley Ekezie

Marriage rules

There is no standard rule or manual for marriage. The only guide we have is what the bible tells us about how to be in a Christian marriage. Is it really possible to have a Christian marriage in our world of today? Can women really submit the way they were directed to, can men love their wives like Christ loved the church? The dynamics of our modern society has made it almost impossible for us to completely conform to this.

There has been a lot of role switching, women are becoming bread winners and more men are taking on roles that were previously reserved for the women. The important thing is to find a balance and treat each other as equals, only then can a happy marriage be achieved. Partnerships work better than our traditional concept of marriage. This however should not negate some of the core roles of each person in a marriage.

Men are still expected to be providers and women will continue to be home builders/keepers. None of these roles is more important than the other, in fact both roles must be present to make the union successful. Just like any vehicle with passengers (family is the vehicle and the children are the passenger) there must be a captain whose ultimate instructions must be followed in times of emergency. There can never be two captains in a vessel.

A vessel with two captains is doomed to drift without direction. A man is the captain of the household and the woman is the first officer, when there is conflict of interests, she must learn to accept the authority of her husband. Men should also wield their power with compassion and in consideration of the woman’s feelings. It is important to know when you have pushed a woman to the wall, in order to avoid dissent you must back down and compromise. – Sir Stanley Ekezie

Frivolous 

Ask a couple who have just emerged from a bitter disagreement or quarrel what the problem was, 90% of the time the root cause is so ridiculously frivolous. Flimsy as it is, most marriages have failed because of minute issues. Lesson; nip problems in the bud and don’t let it fester. Always have a forgiven spirit and give your partner the benefit of doubt always. If you are the victim, forgive and if you are the offender, a simple “sorry” in words and action is a good start.

Do everything possible to make your partner believe you are truly sorry. If it is mere suspicion, the onus lies on you to keep trying until you have proved your innocence beyond all reasonable doubts. Remember forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. Your partner may dwell on your mistake for a while, you have to endure because that is one of the consequences of being an offender. With steady reassurances that should dissipate with time.

Remember Pride is a very essential ingredient for a failed marriage/relationship, avoid it like a plague if you want your union to succeed. The key to a long and healthy life is a happy marriage. Work on yours today and live long – Sir Stanley Ekezie

First blog post

A lot of couples out there are dealing with various challenges in their relationships, marriages and family life.  This blog is designed to educate them by using personal experiences and those of people around me to help them confront some of these problems. In any relationship,conflict is inevitable, however the difference between a successful and a failed marriage is how the couple handles and resolves issues as they arise.