Rethinking divorce; a fresh perspective

In many African societies, particularly Nigeria, divorce is often stigmatized, viewed as a failure or a personal shortcoming. Divorced individuals frequently face social denigration, negative profiling in professional and social settings, including community ostracism. The prevailing assumption is that marital dissolution stems from infidelity, betrayal, or other grave mistakes. The reality is that a successful marriage requires mutual effort; when one partner decides to end the relationship, the other must accept the decision. Consequently, it’s essential to exercise caution when assigning blame to divorced individuals, as the circumstances leading to the divorce may not be a result of their actions or behavior.

Most couples enter relationships or marriage with the intention of a lifelong commitment, weathering challenges through endurance, sacrifice, and tolerance. Marriages sometimes end despite a couple’s best efforts; this is not to say that bad choices do not play a role in some cases. Those who survive realize that where there is sincerity of purpose and a willingness to stick together, tolerance and forgiveness become the unbreakable glue that binds a couple despite their individual character flaws. Where these are not present, the inevitable happens.

A couple breaks up, not necessarily because they are bad people or didn’t put in their best, but simply because they were overwhelmed by issues that sometimes are unfortunately inevitable. Like everything else, life happens to marriages; the pressures of providence, home management, raising children, careers, health issues, betrayal of trust, among other things, contribute to most breakups. In some cases, people simply outgrow each other, grow apart, or fall out of love.

What makes divorce or separation seem like failure on the part of the couple is the acrimony and animosity that follows. The couple suddenly and conveniently forgets their partner’s good qualities and the good times and paints a horrible picture of their partner, which suits them and incites sympathy for themselves and condemnation for their spouse. This sometimes comes from a place of regret or hurt from being abandoned. If you’re not sure divorce or separation will help you find happiness, do whatever it takes to protect your marriage. Never take the decision to leave your spouse in anger, never use it to punish your spouse, and it should only be a last resort.

Think deeply, incorporating foresight in your thoughts, reflections, and decisions. Ensure you’re convinced without any doubts that it’s the right thing to do considering your circumstances. A high percentage of people who get divorced end up regretting it, not because they’re unable to find someone else, but because they soon realize that taking the same behavior into the new marriage will give the same result. Despite its seeming advantages, divorce has negative implications for both individuals.

In situations where staying together poses grave emotional or physical danger, if a couple has irreconcilable differences, or where staying together stunts the growth or progress of one or both individuals, it may be wise to consider peacefully parting ways. I’ve always said that it’s better to be divorced than to be late. Many people have lost their lives in their attempt to protect a marriage or relationship that was poisoning them slowly. I’ve seen instances where people who drove each other insane in a marriage got divorced and ended up as very good friends.

Prioritizing well-being over societal expectations can be beneficial. Rather than perpetuating animosity and acrimony, couples can work towards an amicable separation. If divorce becomes necessary, forgiveness, open communication, and a civil approach can facilitate healing, particularly when children are involved. You must control the narrative by announcing the divorce yourselves without bitterness. This is extremely important because it reduces gossip and lets people know that you’re no longer committed to each other and are now free to mingle and move on with anyone without the reputational damage of being tagged an adulterer and a cheat – Sir Stanley Ekezie.