Toxic support

A woman in her 50s contact me a few days ago, she wanted me to advise her on how to handle a situation in her home. She also wanted me to help talk some sense into her husband who she said has just emerged from a very terrible financial crisis. She said the man has been behaving badly towards her after standing by him during his trying period.

I obliged and agreed to speak to the man. A very calm man answered the call very politely. I explained the reason for my call, he paused for a moment, then poured his heart out to me, it felt like he had so much bottled in and was dying to speak to someone. Like his wife said, the man told me he has just emerged from hell, not the financial hell his wife told me but the hell of having her around during that period. He said it would have been better if she left him at the time.

He said he suffered more from her actions and verbal abuse than from the financial crisis he has just endured. He went on to narrate how the woman made his life miserable by reminding him everyday how useless he was, how he married her to punish her. She complained about everything and disrespected him everyday. At this point all I could do was to plead on her behalf and advise him not to retaliate, I told him to honor God for his blessings with forgiving her.

I have always known that supporting your spouse usually takes more than physical presence. Like the man said, sometimes it is even better for a person going through difficult time that you leave them to carry their cross alone if you cannot be truly and sincerely supportive. Being fully aware of his limited financial capacity, if you remind him everyday of things you want, things your friend’s husband is doing for her, you are not being supportive, you are spiting him.

A good man by default wants the best for his wife and kids, he is already deeply hurt when he is unable to give them that, so constantly complaining and reminding him of things you know he cannot do slowly drains life out of him. You are being malicious when you complain and whine, murmur and grumble, snap and attack him over little things, he will die slowly but surely. A good woman will try as much as possible to show her husband that she is happy with what he can provide while praying for more. If you are financially capable, help when and where you can without complaining or mocking him.

Just being physically present is not enough to claim you were there when things were bad for him. You can actually be an albatross preventing him from achieving his full potential. A man can lose his self confidence in times of hardship especially if he is taunted at home with his inability to adequately provide. Treating him with respect and dignity can boost his self esteem and strengthen him to face his challenges head on. Sometimes rewarding a supportive good woman is all the motivation a man needs to work harder. The thought of spoiling her propels him to achieve his full potential.

So if your husband or boyfriend is having challenges and you decide to stay and support him, do so with patience, humility, cheerfulness, sincerity and compassion. Encourage him and shield him from ridicule. Avoid unnecessary comparisons and demands, especially those things he cannot afford to give you. Pray for him as often as you can. If you stay to remind him of his inadequacies, you are wasting your time and energy, it is better you leave him because he will never appreciate you for just being present when he pulls out of his problems – Sir Stanley Ekezie