Relationship blues and bliss

A man contacted me yesterday about an issue he is having in his relationship of five years. He said he was devastated and wanted my advice on how to approach the matter before he does something he will regret for the rest of his life. His story is that he met this girl five years ago, she comes from a very poor family and lived with her family on the same street with him.

She had come to their neighbors house with her father to borrow money for her WAEC exams, the neighbor asked for a collateral which they couldn’t provide. He approached the girl and told her he will help her out on the condition that she sleeps with him. Being extremely desperate she agreed, after the act, he gave her the money for her exams which she passed in flying colors. She eventually gained admission into a university to study Law and he promised to help her as long as she continues with their arrangement.

In the process of their “relationship” he developed very strong love towards her, he paid all her bills and ensured she was comfortable for the five years she spent in school. She also kept her side of the bargain by diligently continuing to sleep with him. After graduation he proposed to marry her and she refused without hesitation telling him she didn’t love him enough to settle with him for the rest of her life. He was devastated and didn’t understand why she would refuse him after all he had done for her.

My advise to him was simple; she owes you nothing, you got your reward for helping her. The mistake you made was that you attached a condition to helping her from the beginning, it was clear she had to sleep with you to unlock your benevolence. As long as she is concerned she was gainfully employed by you, she did her work and you paid her wages. It was a contractual not an emotional relationship. It was you who deviated from the arrangement by developing feelings for her, she remained committed to your original arrangement. If you had helped without conditions, she may have developed genuine love for you. She was desperate and you took advantage, what she feels may be resentment for you.

I have also heard some women complain about how stingy or wicked some men are because they failed to respond to their plea for help. There is a huge difference between a contractual relationship and an emotional relationship. If you demand money from him each time you sleep with him, it is a contractual agreement, you cannot ask him for help without sex, if you do and he decides to help, it will be his prerogative. You cannot say he is wicked or stingy because I am certain you will not sleep with him if he doesn’t give you money.

It is a vicious circle of mutual suspicion by both genders, Women feel men only want to have sex for free, men feel women want to take their money for nothing. If you are in an emotional relationship or have developed a very good friendship you can ask and believe me, majority of people will certainly help, if they dont, it is either they dont have it, or it is not convenient. In an emotional relationship or genuine friendships there are little or no suspicions of manipulations, people go out of their way to help each other.

My advise is, stick to your original arrangement, if things change with you or you want to upgrade or downgrade your relationship, always ensure that your partner is aware and onboard. It is possible and in order to develop feelings during the course of a casual mutually beneficial relationship if the feeling is discussed and found to be mutual. In most cases however, a contractual relationship is exactly as it sounds, you must give something to get something, it is simply trade by barter – Sir Stanley Ekezie